The Spectacular Now

After finding this trailer last weekend, I was pretty excited to see the movie.  While it was not a total bore, it was a bit of a let-down. The character of Aimee Finicky annoyed me: a pushover, too giggly, self-denying to a fault.  It brought to mind my assessment at work this week, which was the best that I've ever got during these last six years.  What made it uncomfortable was that it came only as a result of my deciding that I would swallow any dissent, and just feign a lighthearted agreement with everything; that I would be flat and keep myself small so that I wouldn't be accused of being 'inflexible,' difficult,' or 'not nice' any longer.  I feel like to get along, I have to lie down and play dead, to pretend that my feelings are irrelevant. 

Why is it that girls/women always have to play small, to mesh with everyone else's agenda, in order to be likeable?  It's as though if you show too much uniqueness, you are automatically a problem to be contained.  In the early years, I did speak up.  I was transparent and honest if something did not work but I didn't yet realise that the culture is a go-with-the-flow one, and that disagreeing backfired.  It put me in the dog house for years, despite working long hours, and volunteering to do extra, despite perfect attendance.  My supervisor and her manager would not forget that I was the girl who once said no, who did not smile enthusiastically at every proposition and parrot back to them the benefits of whatever they had just suggested.   So the only way to win was to play small, to play along.  It's a win for them, but a loss for me.